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I need to get back to me...

  • Hazel Butterfield
  • 31 October 2018

It can be weeks, months or years, sometimes or someday you will realise that you have lost your way. It will hit you like a thunderbolt or trickle through bit by bit, so much so that you hardly realise it has been realised. Then you have to figure a way back through the fog.

I need to get back to me...

Depression, Self worth and loneliness are so inextricably linked. Don't let the loneliness make you make the wrong decisions, try and stay focused. I recently read Teal Swan’s latest book ‘The Anatomy of Loneliness’ as part of my research for ‘Get Booked’ at The Women’s Radio Station. This book just struck a chord and got my mind whirring, such is its intention. The clarity it provides, the TED Talk style of narrative (which will be due to Teal’s experience in the field - 500k views per talk), just felt like a cathartic experience.


Depression is hard to rationalise in so many ways, but I have done my damndest and once I got over a threshold, it came pouring out like a tirade of clarity amongst the chaos.

Firstly, yes there are the tears. But it's cathartic. An outpouring of grief for the loss of whatever you lost, whether that was a death, friendship, relationship, job, money, sanity. You need to grieve to appreciate what you have lost, that makes you human.

People can/will get bored or will not understand your depression. Some people feel like they are teetering on the edge themselves and may react in a way to protect their own mental state and ability. Others will just rear themselves as a passing phase.

Depression can destroy you and force you to rethink everything that you are and what you stand for. This is an opportunity to re-mould who you want to be.

I didn’t actually know how much more I could take. It turns out I’m stronger than I thought.

You can't stop people talking trash about you... But you can appreciate having a clear out of the ones that choose to try and bring you down for whatever reason; they could even be fighting their own battle and you are just a scapegoat.

In the process of trying to rationalise and forgive behaviour toward me, I have been searching for all that is bad within me to justify it and therefore accept said behaviour. This needs to stop. Paradoxically I have also done the opposite in not being honest about behaviours of others that have been upsetting, to not cause upset or friction, we live in such a fragile state of emotional existence at the moment that it’s too easy to project that on to others rather than think open mindedly.

Sometimes you experience moments where you feel enlightened about who you really are. A person or a place urges a realisation that helps you to understand more clearly, a fresh pair of eyes to spur on a more succinct level of introspection. This is life, ever changing and eye opening. Enriching.

I'm a huge fan of productive anxiety. I like to take something horrendous that happens to me or a friend and see how I can get it to be in our favour.

Take up a hobby and meet new people. Whatever it may be that you have lost and the gap that gives you in your life is an opportunity to use that empty space to do something positive. Do a course, get fit, read more books, teach yourself a skill you've never had the time to absorb yourself in. Take stock, realise what you need to put yourself nearer to where you want to be in 1,3,5 years and what you need to focus on to achieve that.

We need to appreciate our uniqueness, embrace it and accept it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. People have their own demons to handle and sometimes, just sometimes, you need to leave them to it.


You can catch my interview with Teal Swan at Women Radio Station every day at 5pm on ‘Get Booked’ 5th-11th November, or on catch-up here.